Two witty stories of Piety & Profanity
Heaven or Hell
What's it like when we die?
By Many Feathers Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.
Let's face it. No one really knows what its like to die, I certainly didn't. The last thing I remember was someone saying, "He's gone." In the next instant I was somewhere else. I can't even explain it really, because the somewhere else was without substance, without definition really. Until images came to mind, places I had once known, been to, or had wondered about. Then suddenly...there I was!
It felt warm, comforting. I was standing on a hill, there was a breeze against my face, though again, there hadn't been until I'd considered it, then there it was! It was quiet, peaceful, just as I imagined it might be, would be. I looked down at myself, I was old.
"Damn! Aren't we supposed to change back to the best way we ever looked, or should look?" I wondered. And suddenly, I did. At least I wasn't just a thought floating around without substance. Then I grimaced, worried that I would be, but that didn't happen.
"Ok, that's better. Much, much better!" I said feeling a hell of a lot better admittedly. But it was still strange.
I mean, we all have our own ideas of what Heaven is supposed to be like I suppose. But this wasn't like anything I'd ever even heard of or imagined before either. No pearly gates, though they'd have looked really out of place from where I was standing. No white haired guy in a white flowing robe with a great big book with a bright green bookmarker holding the place open where my name would have been listed. None of that. Hell, there wasn't even a bird singing or a butterfly flying. And then...there was.
"Ok, maybe I'm starting to get the hang of this after all," I thought to myself.
But I was still surprised no one had come to greet me, no one had come to tell me where I was supposed to go, or what I was supposed to do. I even thought about my parents who had died years ago. Nothing. Unlike the sudden appearance of birds, butterflies and bee's (which I quickly decided I didn't want or need and made them go away) there was nothing else. At least no mom, no dad. No uncles, no aunts, no friends (only one or two of which I could actually remember as having died before I did). Bottom line was, no people.
"Well, this sucks!" I said aloud wondering if anyone could actually hear me.
I decided to go for a walk, and then wondered if I could fly. Sure enough, I was floating in the air and moving forward at an incredible speed. Problem was, the ground below me whizzed by faster than I could imagine it until I was standing in the middle of darkness.
"Lets try that one again," I thought. I was back on the hill again, oh yeah; the breeze thing, and the birds and the butterflies were kinda cool too. Except, I really am going to walk this time, at least until such a time as I get the flying/moving thing down a whole lot better.
So I walked. And I walked, and I walked. The only cool thing here was, when I got tired of walking and seeing the same scenery (cause I knew it usually would take several hours if I was to walk out of this valley and actually get anywhere else), all I had to do was think of another place, and I was there. One moment in the mountains, in the next walking through Canyon lands in Moab. At least I thought it was Moab, sure looked like it anyway, though once again there was no people. And that was the other interesting part. I tried thinking about the valley where I'd lived, my home, once again my friends and family. I think...though don't take my word on this, but I think I was in the valley where my home should be, once was, or would be. I mean who knows, when your dead, maybe when we're there, we're just borrowing the here, which is real, when that reality isn't. Anyway, no houses, no cars, no planes, no people. Nada...nothing.
I kept thinking that maybe I was on hold or something. Or that I'd failed to see the sign that had said "Out to lunch". I certainly didn't want to stand around in the dark, and I was sort of missing the birds at this point, as I'd forgotten to bring them along with me. So I went back. Back to the mountain, sat down and waited.
Who knows how long I sat there waiting. A year? A day? A century or two? Who the hell knows. I certainly didn't have a watch, couldn't even produce one. And who was around to tell or give me the correct time, or even what the hell day it was anyway?
So I just sat there and waited. And wondered. And began to think about my life and some of the people I knew, or once knew anyway. And then the last thing in the world I had ever expected to happen happened. I looked up the hill and saw a young woman walking towards me. She looked familiar, and even at this distance I could envision her face, see her smile, and she even waved.
"Thank God!" I said aloud, half expecting to hear a booming "You're Welcome!" but that didn't happen either. I really hate it when you can't remember a name. I mean I knew I knew her, I just couldn't remember from where, or when. Then it came to me. And was that because I suddenly decided I did know her name? That I'd actually thought about her in passing when I began thinking about my life and what I'd accomplished or failed to accomplish for one reason or another? Or because I just decided what her name was. Once again, I didn't know for sure, not really. But as Darlene approached getting ever closer, which is when I suddenly decided to do the half-fly, half hop thing, I was standing next to her.
"Darlene? Is that really you?" She smiled and nodded her head yes.
"Please tell me you can speak," I asked worriedly. "Or are we supposed to be talking with our minds and not our mouths or something like that?" I asked.
She laughed then, which was like music to my ears (and briefly, I swear I could hear the Sound of Music playing in the background).
"I've been looking for you," She said simply.
"You have?"
"Yes, ever since I got here."
"How long has that been?"
"Oh, I don't know, forever maybe? Who knows?"
At the moment, I couldn't very well argue with that. "Well, it's sure as hell nice to finally see someone else, and actually talk to them!" Then I hunched my shoulders worriedly, wondering if the word "Hell" was appropriate, or inappropriate under the circumstances.
"So, you seen anyone else?" I had to ask.
"Nope, just you. But then again, like I said, you're the only one I've been looking for anyway."
I still wondered why. Why was she here with me and not with her friends, her family. What was she doing here looking for me for? And why her anyway? I mean after all, Darlene had been the first girl I had ever kissed, first girl who two years later actually let me touch her boobs, and then the first girl I had ever gone down on in her parents bedroom when they were out for the evening. But what that had to do with us still escaped me. Or any of this for that matter.
"So, now what?" I had to ask.
"I don't know, you tell me," she responded.
Like that helped anything. I guess we could continue to sit here and wait. But I'd done that already. And it was Darlene that said she'd been wandering around for just about ever looking for me, so there had to be something about that that made some sort of sense, which for the moment at least, didn't.
And then I thought about something else.
"Was there a reason why you've been looking for me?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said finally grinning. "Why don't you lie down on the grass and I'll show you."
Now we were getting somewhere. Unless she suddenly turned into some sort of Vampire or something at the last minute.
"You're not a Vampire are you?" I had to ask. Once again she laughed.
"No, and I'm not here to suck your blood either. But I wouldn't mind sucking something else."
"Ok, this HAD to be heaven!" I decided. "No way in, well...you know, no way in that place could this be that."
She had a lot bigger, a lot nicer tits than I remembered too. But of course that probably made sense. I mean back then...anyways, at least now she had them and they were pretty nice looking too. She undressed and got down on her knees and oh yeah, that felt nice, really nice. And once again I was reminded how good this felt, how pleasurable this was, and that if she kept this up I'd soon be climaxing. And then the fear, "What if? What if I can't? What if she sucks and sucks me for ever and I can't?" But then I was, and I did...and all was right with the world again. Well, this world anyway. And besides, I sorta always figured that if a person went to hell, they probably couldn't have an orgasm, so that was at least a point on the Heaven side of the ledger I suppose. And the fact I'd just had one, and a damn good one in fact, tended to support that theory.
"Now what do you want to do?" I asked a while later.
"How about we fuck now?" she asked demurely. Once again I looked around. "Maybe you shouldn't talk like that here," I told her. "Mess around, or do it might be a little more appropriate, something like that."
"Ok, so lets mess around then," she stated.
So we did.
The only thing I remember about Darlene that I didn't like was that she was so clingy as they say. Seemed she was always touching me one-way or the other. A hand on my leg if we were simply sitting there, or if we walked anyplace, she had to hold my hand, or if we laid down in the grass, or on a hill, or sometimes when we just floated around off the ground (especially then) so I quit floating after that), she had to be holding onto something. I mean sometimes when she held onto things, or when even I did, I liked it. But not all the time. But if I said anything to her about it, hurt her feelings, then she'd sit there and cry until I told her I was sorry, to which there would come the hand into my lap again.
Oh yeah, and you don't sleep either. You don't go to bed and wake up the next morning feeling either tired, sleepy or refreshed. The sun's just sort of there, all the time, though you don't see the sun, or anything else like it for that matter. It's just sun-shinny with light all day long (all night long for that matter) but like I said. You don't sleep. I sorta miss that.
Then a while later. (I like to think in terms of days, but for all I know, a day is a year here, or a millennium, who cares?) Anyway, so like about maybe a week later we're hanging out, (oh yeah and I gave up wearing clothes, I mean whets the point? We're usually naked most of the time anyway, and it makes it a whole lot easier when we're in the mood to mess around). So we've just finished doing it...again, when I look up the road. (Made that one myself out of dirt, seemed appropriate anyway, somewhere to look down, or walk down when we weren't busy messing around). And low and behold, I see this other girl approaching us. And just like Darlene, I think I know her, and then I do know her. Brenda?
Brenda's the first girl I ever did it with. She smiles and waves, and I wave back and notice Darlene's not smiling. But she remains by my side as we sort of do the float walk thing towards where Brenda's standing.
Next thing you know, it's the same story. Brenda's been looking for me for quite a while too now, and finally knows where to find me, so she has, and here she is, and here we are all now.
And then we're all messing around, having a hell...I mean having a lot of fun, and its all good, and they're both beautiful and all that, even though Brenda and Darlene sort of fight over who's going first and that sort of thing, which is kind of cool in a way as I really never did have another girl fight over me, except for maybe Theresa, and then low and behold, I see her approaching, smiling and waving at us too.
Damn, now isn't this interesting? I think to myself. Then I begin to picture all the girls I've ever known, ever been with throughout my entire life. And the next thing I know, there's this entire flock of women walking down the road towards us, towards me rather as neither Darlene, Brenda, or especially Theresa are looking very anxious to meet any of them.
And better still, every damn, ah every darn one of them is as naked as the day they were born, or died...whatever.
And have you ever heard the term, "Too much of a good thing?" Well in a way I guess, this was the perfect example of that. Though admittedly when I saw my first wife, and my third I began to wonder. And though my second wife hadn't shown up as yet, I was sort of grateful for that, as I'd really considered her to be quite a bitch, and so she either hadn't died yet (and I couldn't honestly remember if she had, or if she hadn't...and who knows what time it is, or how long we've all been here anyway) the fact she hadn't shown up was a good sign, sorta. Because she really had been the meanest most vindictive woman I'd ever known. And seeing her here, really would convince me this was Hell, and not just some sort of holding area that I was now sorta hoping this really was.
But it was all still pretty much confusing. On the one hand, I could "do it" with any one of them any time I liked. And did so, but I had to admit, it took a lot out of me, and most of them afterwards got all pissy about it if I hadn't chosen one of them. (Especially Theresa). And have you ever tried doing it with someone else hanging over your shoulder yelling "Me next? Me next?" I tell ya, it's not exactly conducive to keeping it up even while your doing it, or even how attractive or how beautiful the woman are with that going on all the time.
Eventually, I did learn that if I thought about moving very fast when I flew, entered that black void, I would find myself alone. The only problem with that was, the moment I came out, wherever it was I thought I would be, they'd find me. Then it was fucking, sucking until I was totally exhausted once again, not to mention all the God damn bickering (yeah you heard me) it's starting to get on my nerves in case you didn't know it.
Point is, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on, why I'm here, or what this really is.
Mostly now I just sit alone here in the dark.
I miss my birds.
By Many Feathers for Literotica
Victorian Sisters
The secret correspondence of two naughty sisters, in the gilded age of London’s well-bred society.
By Sally hollister. Listen to the podcast at Steamy Stories
Dear Tess,
I have been led to believe, in a recent social visit to your home, that you allowed my Bernard to be beastly with you to such a degree as is shameful for ladies to put to pen & ink. As you know I have always regarded you as a sister and I am loathe to believe that this can be true. Pray tell me what occurred.
Your dearest friend,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I am afraid to inform you that the rumours you have heard are true, but do be assured that the event was not of my instigation. It happened thus; I was bending over to pick something up when Bernard assaulted me from behind and was, as you say, beastly with me. He came upon me so sudden I feared for my sanity as I am not used to being assaulted in such a fashion in my own drawing room on a Wednesday afternoon. But, as you can infer, I was not to blame.
Your devoted friend,
Tess
PS: I am your sister
Dear Tess,
Sorry about the sister thing. Quite forgot. Anyway, I cannot believe that my Bernard would behave in such a brutal fashion. Are you sure he did not trip and thus fall upon you?
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I truly cannot say if Bernard tripped, for as I informed you, I was bent down at the time and my gaze was upon the trinket I was retrieving.
Your devoted sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
It is beyond belief that my sweet Bernard would take advantage of a girl in the way you imply. Are you sure you did not wiggle your bottom at him in a provocative fashion, thus causing a rush of blood to his head and his attack upon your nether parts.
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I am outraged that you could think I could behave in such a fashion. I have only wiggled my bottom once in my life. It was during my honeymoon, in front of my husband, Victor, and it gave him a nosebleed. You must seek elsewhere to find a motive behind Bernard's caddish behaviour.
Your dearest sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
I have now spoken to Bernard about the matter and he confirms that he did indeed trip over a rug which caused him to fall upon you. What I still cannot ascertain is how he managed to achieve his end through your bustle.
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
Ah, I failed to inform you that I have taken up nude modelling recently and was in that mode when the event occurred. I have had to resort to this as our financial situation is perilous. Victor has been thrown out of the army since leading his regiment on an attack upon our allies, the French, during an exercise. He has always had difficulties with his sense of direction, the silly sausage. In any case I think it was an absolute over-reaction by the military big-wigs as there were only 43 of the Froggies killed and none of them above the rank of sergeant.
As we have no income Victor suggested I take up modelling in the nude for artists and it is quite lucrative at 10 guineas per hour. It doesn't quite cover Victor's gambling debts so I came up with the idea of offering minor beastliness to young gentlemen for a small remuneration. You will understand then that your Bernard owes me 20 guineas. We cannot take cheques else the amount would be taxed so would you slip the amount into an envelope and have your butler drop it off at our residence?
Your loving sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
I understand entirely your need to pursue a career of nude figure modelling and offering beastliness to strange men as times are hard. What I fail to understand is this, though you were naked, how it came to be that Bernard managed to be beastly with you if he was fully dressed? He, as far as I know, has not taken up a career of nude modelling. I have spoken to Bernard about the 20 guineas and he says he accepts his debt but says he must pay by cheque and make a record of the transaction, otherwise he will not be able to claim any tax relief on the transaction.
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
How Bernard achieved his end while fully clothed I do not know, but the fact is that beastliness did occur. As my new enterprise requires discreetness to all my gentlemen; you must question him further on the event. I am shocked that he wishes to declare the transaction to the tax authorities. Has he no concern for the reputation of his sister-in-law in her hour of need?
Tess
Dear Tess,
My apologies, dear sister, but I have the truth from Bernard at last. It seems that when he saw you bending over, in all your nakedness, he became extremely aroused and took his manly parts out; and handled them vigorously, as he does. I suggested that his trip over the rug then, was caused by him approaching you with the intent of being beastly, but he denied this, saying that he was reaching for a box of cigars. I can vouch for this as he likes a smoke while committing the sin of Onan. Nevertheless, the fact is that he had his manly parts exposed and so, it was not only your nakedness which caused the incident. Consequently and by way of reparation I have insisted that he pay you in cash, with no record kept; to protect your reputation.
Incidentally, now that he has been beastly with you, I wonder if I may venture that I would not object to your Victor being beastly with me, as a sort of quid pro quo. It would seem only fair and I make this offer with Bernard's full approval. I am available for beastliness on the 14th thru 18th, while Bernard is off to Scotland for the shooting.
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
You are such a sweet sister! I received the 20 guineas yesterday and have tucked them secretly away. Victor is amazingly excited about being beastly with you and says he has had a notion for it ever since he first met you. He was so aroused that he was beastly with me last eve, several times and in various positions. I do hope he provides as much satisfaction as your Bernard did for me. He was beastly with me for over half an hour, which is what made me suspicious about the story of tripping on the rug.
On the former matter, Victor asks if being beastly with you is on the same commercial basis that I am pursuing and, if that is the case, what kind of fee you would be looking for? I personally would only ask that you set a sufficiently high quid for your bountiful quo. So as not to raise the presumptions of my future complimentary ministrations, such as suffice to satisfy his urges..
Tess
Dear Tess,
No, I am not selling beastliness as you are, for we are not in the same financial straits which you are suffering, so you can inform Victor he may keep his cash in his pocket. I am only offering him beastliness so that we can all be on an equal footing in being beastly with each other. I have no particular desire for Victor and look upon the upcoming event as merely a matter of etiquette. The sooner you two can get yourself back on a sound financial footing, so that you can forego selling beastliness, the happier I shall be. It does my reputation no good, let me tell you, to have my sister behaving like a trollop. Whatever my debauched actions extend to shall be my best effort to further share in your sufferings, as a good sister ought to do.
Your devoted sibling,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I am saddened that you think me a trollop for I had aspirations to be a strumpet. I acknowledge that these positions hold little in the way of social distinction, but the beastliness is jolly good and one does meet such interesting people. A bishop of the church visited me yesterday but he only wanted me to sit on his lap and call him uncle while he fiddled about beneath my skirts. It was the easiest and quickest 10 guineas I've ever earned. He even said, 'Bless you, child,' when he left.
Your loving sister,
Tess
Dearest Tess,
Sitting on bishop's knees while they fiddle about with your under-carriage is hardly becoming of a well-brought-up young lady. If word of this gets out your reputation will be totally ruined. Have a care, beastliness with young men to earn a coin is understandable, but this goes beyond the pale.
Your concerned sister,
Charlotte.
Dear, sweet, Charlotte,
I fear you have misunderstood me. The gentleman in question was Roman Catholic, and not Church of England
Tess
Dear Tess,
Thank the Lord for that. I had believed that these Romish sorts were only interested in young men's bottoms so, of course, I assumed that the clerical gentleman in question was one of ours. This puts the entire matter in a totally different light; though I do warn you to steer clear of the clergy in general. They are there to look after our spiritual needs and should not be tempted by beastliness.
Tell Victor, I shall expect him at 11am, the 14th; as arranged. And please Insist that he fasts all carnal relief along the trip. And that he’s had a sound night’s rest. His return shall commence following sufficient rest for the carriage ride home.
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
Have no fears, I have no intent to allow full beastliness with a member of the clergy. If I were so minded our local vicar is quite a dish. The poor chap has the misfortune to be married to a wife with a face so sour that one could hardly imagine that she'd ever seen a gentleman's sausage, never mind handled it, so he's be bound to be up for a bit of extra-marital naughtiness. But he has nothing to fear from me as there are enough of the laity to satisfy my financial needs.
I hope you are enjoying your bout of beastliness with Victor. He left here quite the ardent lover at the thought of beastliness with you, and with my consent too. No man could have been more pleased at the consequences of his brother in law tripping over a carpet rug.
Your loving sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
Your letter is to hand, but your husband is not. I know you said he had a bad sense of direction but he was to be picked up at the railway station by our driver, so I can't see how he could possibly have lost his way. Oh wait, I think I hear the door.
Charlotte
Dearest Charlotte,
I write on behalf of Victor who wants me to thank you for a wonderful weekend. He says the beastliness was absolutely superb and possibly the best he'd ever had, which made me a little jealous, I confess. Nevertheless, he has returned to me re-invigorated and never stops from singing your praises. All day he has been telling me how good you are at this, and how wonderfully you did that. If you are such an artiste where beastliness is concerned perhaps you should reconsider offering it on a commercial basis.
Your sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
I fear Victor's recollections of our encounter differ somewhat from mine. For me, the beastliness was not 'superb' and as a matter of fact I thought it quite inadequate. I had hardly got him into my bed-chamber and started handling his sausage when he was effusive all over my hand. I allowed him a half hour to recover and then attempted again, when he reacted in precisely the same fashion. I will say this for him, he is copious. However the entire weekend proceeded in this fashion and in matter of fact no complete beastliness ever took place. Is this what he is like when he is beastly with you? You must have a very unhappy marital life if this is the case and the chances of you starting a family are slim.
With my deepest regrets.
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
Victor admits that he became over-excited at thought of being beastly with you and humbly begs your pardon for his woeful performance. He is not, he himself allows, one of nature's long-distance runners, but neither is he a sprinter. He is what you might call a 'middle-distance' man and I have always found him entirely satisfactory in that department. You are, as I freely admit, much more beautiful than I, and I can quite understand how the thought of beastliness with you, brought my poor pet to such a state of arousal. So, please forgive us both for our lack.
Your humble sister,
Tess
Dear Tess,
I do not see how you can say that I am more beautiful than you, for as you well know I am your sister. Not only that, I am your twin sister. Even more so, I am your identical twin sister. I am older than you by a matter of ten minutes which might suggest that it is this fact which has worked the trick and your Victor is actually aroused by older women. I would be glad to hear your views on this.
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
Ah, but that explains so much. Why we always had our birthdays on the same day and were always the same age. I do wish Mama had told me but, as you know, she was always busy entertaining uncle Samuel and far too distracted for we young sprites. As to Victor being attracted to older women, he denies this vigorously and says he only has eyes for pretty young doxies such as we are. He also says that the incident with old Mrs Puffer, the family cook, was an utter misunderstanding and the rumour that he was caught in her room about to be beastly with her was a falsehood. He was, in fact, rummaging through her clothes looking for a school-book which she had secreted about her person. I have my doubts about this version of events however, as I am aware of how much Victor loathes learning of any sort.
It may therefore be true that he is aroused by old crones, such as you are. Just think, when you reach the grand old age of 30, for a full 10 minutes I shall be only 29. Oh, the joy of being young!
Victor has offered to visit you again and attempt to make a better list of being beastly if this is acceptable to both Bernard and yourself. For myself, I should think that he has had his chance and should be happy for the limited amount of beastliness he did get. If you think differently, please let me know. If further correspondence becomes too difficult for your butler to attend to deliveries, You might consider sending your letters with Bernard, at his weekly… art tutoring.
Your younger sister,
Tess
By Sally hollister for Literotica
